Forgiveness

Welcome to the blog post I never thought I would write. Mostly because you never think you are going to be “that person” or “that wife”. But there I was, in 2014, 5 years into my marriage and finding myself saying unkind things I still regret to this day. This post may be one of the most honest ones I write and it’s worth it. Because I can say in hindsight that if you find yourself in a place where you just aren’t speaking joyfully or feel like you aren’t finding any joy in the season you are in, you can get out of that rut! It will take time and effort (lots of both) but there is joy to be found on the other side. 

Spoiler alert: This post is about me being a bitter wife. Yes bitter. As much as I wish I could deny it, I was. And this is a shortened version of my story. At least as short as I could get it since by nature I’m a chatterbox. And before you hear my story I want you to remember this verse:

Proverbs 18:21 “The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.”

Ok. Don’t forget that verse as you read. So here we go: 

When I married Tim I knew it was mostly inevitable that we would live in his hometown. After all, that’s where his job was as well as his family. Therefore, rightly so. Unfortunately that didn’t make me very excited. It meant I would have to leave everything I knew, which was uncomfortable. And as much as I love Tim, the thought of change didn’t settle well. And that’s where the bitterness seed was planted in me. 

As we began to create a life together, I also continued to wallow in self pity for everything I had to leave. This led to discontentment which slowly grew. It wouldn’t come everyday but it came little by little. And as it grew, I naturally had to find someone to blame. Because surely it wasn’t me, and my feelings were valid right? So I began to blame Tim. Again, it started small, but sometimes I would let him know how I felt by saying not very nice things to him. Words that had no relevance to our situation, but made me feel better in the moment. Lucky for me God gave Tim about 100 extra measures of kindness and grace so he would always just brush off what I said and move on. And I started to count on that in a terrible sort of way. I knew Tim was so gracious and kind and forgiving, that I just thought I could say whatever I wanted because I knew he would forgive me. Basically I took advantage of his best qualities and made them work to my advantage. 

Let’s fast forward a bit- 3 years into marriage we had our first son Jude. It was wonderful. And for awhile, it took away my discontentment. But as Jude grew, my loneliness began to grow. I still lived in Tim’s hometown, I still had no friends, I still missed my family. So my bitterness for everything I didn’t have began to grow again. Once more, it started coming out in how I spoke to Tim. We would disagree on something and I would turn it into a full-blown husband bashing session. Good grief it’s hard to even write that because looking back it’s so easy to see how selfish it was to let my feelings get the best of me in such an extreme way. Especially when you consider how our current culture is. 

Culture says to have feelings and then act out of those feelings. Culture validates your emotions in the name of “self love” even when your emotions are unhealthy. But none of that is helpful. If you are looking for validation on how you feel just so you don’t feel alone, you’ll never be pushed to get out of your rut and move into what God has for you. Speaking from experience over here because I wanted ALL the validation for how I was acting. So I would frame it in a way that made me look right and made my behavior seem ok and normal. 

Fast forward 2 more years and we had our second son. Another beautiful healthy boy and once again, my loneliness and discontentment disappeared. For a bit at least. But that didn’t last long. Because we are getting to the climax of our shortened story. The part where I had a blowout. And I don’t mean the kind that goes up and out your pants. I mean a full on blowout argument where I said so many mean words that I still regret to this day. 

You see, up to this point I would just have my moments. But then we would recover and move on. But slowly those moments got more frequent and the way I spoke to Tim got worse. Blaming him for everything; being jealous of all he had and got to do and all I didn’t have or get to do. Feeling sorry for myself because I felt like life wasn’t fair. When in reality, I was just acting out of my own unfulfillment. Places in my heart and spirit that I was trying to have Tim satisfy rather than clinging to God’s truth over my life. If you re-read those sentences, you’ll notice it was a lot of feelings. Those pesky emotions that often lead you to say and do things you don’t mean all in the name of making yourself feel better. Rather than using wisdom and what you know to be true to guide you. Easier said than done. In reality, I was just acting out of my own unfulfillment. There were places in my heart and spirit that I was trying to have Tim satisfy rather than clinging to God’s truth over my life.

But back to the blowout argument. I’ll spare you the details since they aren’t worth repeating but safe to say I made Tim feel like a nobody by stringing together a whole lot of words that degraded who he was and who God created him to be. And it didn’t end well. I was angry and worked up and convinced that everything I said, no matter how rude or bad, was needed to make my point. Whatever that point was. Even if it hurt the person I loved the most. And at this point Tim was so hurt because he had been enduring this little by little, here and there over the years. I could see the hurt on his face. But that didn’t stop me from saying mean things because I figured he would just get over it and forgive me. However, that night something changed.

After the blowout I did the only thing I could think of and called my mom. I just wanted someone to validate my feelings and as I told her what was going on, my dad must have overheard. Because he promptly got on the other end of the phone and what I thought was going to be a “I have your back because you’re my daughter” conversation ended up being a conversation that gave me a 180 degree kick in the pants and caused me to begin a long road of healing that I so desperately needed. I can tell you some of the things my dad said that night. But first- he listened. He listened intently as I laid out my side of the story and ALL that was on my heart/mind and emotions. Most of it was emotions and a lot less heart. Then he said something like this “I’m going to talk to you now and tell you what I think and you probably aren’t going to like it…are you ready?” 

You know what one of the hardest things as a child is? Being teachable. Because having the ability to be teachable means that you have to be vulnerable. It means that you have to be willing to say “I was wrong, I need to change and how do I change?” versus continuing to defend your actions.

Check out this verse in Proverbs 27:5

“An open rebuke is better than hidden love! Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy.”

Do yourself a favor and read that one more time before continuing. Because this verse goes against everything in our current culture. Culture says “people please, love anyway, accept everything” and the Bible is saying (I’m Sarah paraphrasing here): “Better a friend who is willing to tell you when you are wrong than a bunch of random people who back you up and make you feel good about what you’ve done”. Again- my personal paraphrase. But it’s true. Which would you rather have? Would you rather have that type of sincere friend who wants to encourage you to be better and do better and seek better? Or someone who just makes you feel good? Teachability. It may sting for a bit but it’s a good kind of sting. It’s one that heals and is better than it was before. 

And that’s what my dad wanted to do. I know he loves me. So I know his intentions are good. Did I want to hear what he was going to say next? Nope. But I listened anyway because I trust his love for me as my father. Which sounds an awful lot like our good good Father up in Heaven! Always watching out for and wanting the best for us. Even when we need readjustments and new direction. So my dad continued. And as he spoke to me gently but firmly, he told me what he had been noticing. The discontentment, the lack of joy and the bitterness. But instead of pinpointing it on Tim, he pinpointed it on me. And he said something that I now catch myself saying to my boys approximately 58 times per day (give or take) and that is this: “Sarah, who controls you and your actions? Who controls your emotions? And who controls your responses?” My response in my head? Me… me …and again ME! You see, I’m well aware there isn’t a puppet in the sky forcing me to say and do things against my will. No. God didn’t create us that way. He gave us free will and choice. Because He loves us and wants us to choose right. Not be forced into it. “Forcing” isn’t the gospel truth. That’s legalism. So my dad’s very obvious point with his singular question was: how could I blame Tim for different things in my life when I was the one choosing to live and talk and act the way I did? Short answer: I couldn’t. It wasn’t on Tim. It was on me (as painful as that was to hear). And boy am I grateful for my dad to be willing to speak that.  

My dad reminded me about a story in Jeremiah. There’s this famous verse in Jeremiah chapter 29 that everyone loves to quote:

“’For I know the plans I have for you’ says the Lord, ‘plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope……”

But that’s actually not the part I want to focus on here. Let’s go a bit before those verses and backtrack a little- because before those well quoted verses even come into play, God spoke to Jeremiah something so profound that when my dad reminded me of it during our conversation- it was really the first turning point in my heart and head towards making a change. In verses 4-7 it reads the following:

“This is what the Lord of Heaven’s Armies, the God of Israel, says to all the captives he has exiled to Babylon from Jerusalem: ‘Build homes, and plan to stay. Plant gardens, and eat the food they produce. Marry and have children. Then find spouses for them so that you may have many grandchildren. Multiply! Do not dwindle away! And work for the peace and prosperity of the city where I sent you into exile. Pray to the Lord for it, for its welfare will determine your welfare”. 

My dad continued his thoughts and told me how I have a choice of how to respond where God places me whether that placement is short-term or long-term. I can either a) continue on my current path of discontentment, blaming everything and everyone around me (but mostly Tim) for the circumstances I’m in. Or option b) do what the verses say. Build a home (doesn’t necessarily mean a physical house), plan to stay. Basically, don’t waste all my time planning for “what if” and “what I would prefer” and forget about what’s happening now. 

I love that other short sentence tucked in that verse too: “Do not dwindle away!”. Because looking back I can see former Sarah dwindling in so many ways. Acting helpless yet she was totally equipped to flourish. Feeling helpless yet blinded by my own bitterness and discontentment. Yet this verse…these words from a time thousands of years ago spoke volumes to my current situation. And my dad spoke them to me with a firmness – not out of anger but out of love. I’m so thankful for the kindness and wisdom of my dad. But I’m mostly thankful for the willingness to say something when other’s may not have. And that willingness ultimately helped me turn 180 degrees towards healing. 

So, what next you might ask? Where do you go from here? What did I do from here? Where is the practical advice on how to build back up what has been torn down? Well, I have two words for you: Flannels and Forgiveness. Those two things were my next step however, in reverse order. Because forgiveness always needs to come first. It’s a humbling of yourself and necessary for healing. Sure you could just start acting nicer and make a few changes. But the heart change wouldn’t be there. And I knew that was the case for myself. So after a tough conversation and realization that things needed to change- more specifically I needed to change, I knew the first step was asking for forgiveness. And I knew it was important to verbally speak out what I needed forgiveness for so that Tim knew I was aware of my shortcomings and ready to make a change. Because in my humble opinion, a “please forgive me” isn’t as powerful and effective as a “please forgive me for ___________”. For me, saying it out loud made me continue to realize the need for change in my heart and my actions. Also EQUALLY important was asking God for forgiveness and for Him to clean my heart and help me walk out the steps to healing. Because I didn’t want to keep my sin hidden anymore. I wanted it brought to the light so I could walk in freedom from it.

That following day was emotional for me. And as part of my asking forgiveness I had also decided that I wanted to give Tim a gift. Something that would show that I love him and mean what I say in redeeming what had been torn down. That may not be something you need to include but for me it made sense. And it didn’t take too much thinking to know what Tim loved. He is after all my best friend. So I headed in town to his favorite outdoors store and shopped for a flannel. I suppose you could call it my forgiveness flannel. I even snagged some dark chocolate and nice coffee beans to pair with it because I really wanted to speak to the fact that I knew him and valued him. And picking out things that he loved, was a small way I could do that. I went home, displayed it all on the counter and wrote out a card. I knew I would also talk, but this was something he could read and keep. An apology/I love you/please forgive me/thank you for being a really gracious husband when I didn’t deserve it card. Basically saying all the things. This was step 1 for me. Step 2 was verbally apologizing and asking forgiveness for all the years of words that I had used to tear him down.

Step 3 was being an open communicator. This was very important to me because I asked Tim to help me. To help me catch myself when I got worked up and felt like spewing words I didn’t mean. To help tell me when he noticed things going south and to call for a timeout to gather our thoughts and not regret what I was about to say. I gave Tim permission to help me- to be A PART of my healing and changing. I knew I couldn’t do it alone and neither can you. So whether it be a friend, a spouse, a mentor or someone with sound wisdom who knows you, let them in. Let them help. I promise you it will be so much easier with someone to walk alongside you. 

And I need to wrap this up but there is one more step that I took. And that was to PRACTICE using my words kindly. Practice encouragement. Practice saying the right thing. The nice thing. The life-giving thing. It wasn’t natural at first and often felt awkward and forced…and sometimes I would still make mistakes. But I practiced anyway. And ya know what? Eventually it became more natural. To this day I stand by the idea that practice doesn’t make perfect, but practice makes better. 

And I have seen that “better” in my own marriage, in our home and in our children. Choosing to speak joy and speak life giving words to Tim and my kids has been life-changing for me and for them. And I’m so thankful to be able to share my story in the hope that maybe someone else can relate and needs to hear it too. 

You aren’t alone! You may feel stuck but you don’t have to stay there. There is another side of your story waiting for you and all you have to do is start somewhere. I’m cheering for you friend. I’m rooting for good things to come from the decision you make to use your words more intentionally. And I’m excited to see how it causes change in your own life and launches you into a new season!